When Will I Be On TV?

I read an article recently about what to do if a talk show producer phones you and asks you to appear on their show. The article worried me a little because I found myself taking note of different points, imagining how I would handle it if I was invited on to appear on Oprah. I had quite a little fantasy going there without once stopping to think about whether I was in any way qualified or interesting enough to be invited onto a talk show. But that’s the way life is now. Nothing really happens unless you’ve seen it on TV and to appear on a TV show giving your opinion about this and that would make your life meaningful. I guess it’s not as nasty as killing someone to get on the six o’clock news.

So there’s a whole audience out there who read articles on what to do when Letterman or Oprah phones so they have the opportunity to prepare themselves for such an occasion. And they think nothing of it. Someone says, “What did you do this morning?” and you say, “Oh, I just sat around thinking about what I’d say if Oprah called.” And they say, “Oh my God, I’m totally unprepared for that.” And you’re left with that smug feeling of being the one who really knows what’s what.

According to the article, talk show producers can assess you in an instant. Once the phone conversation begins, you are auditioning. The ability to sum people up quickly used to be based on long years of getting to know large numbers of people under different conditions. Now they don’t need to do that now.

If you’ve spent six months as a talk show producer staring into the foul cavern of polite society you learn pretty quick. When somebody finally gives us the attention we deserve, our behavior becomes a series of moves designed to cover up what we are really thinking. “I mustn’t appear too anxious” or “Has their researcher found out about my sex change?” or “Should I mention my Annette Funicello doll collection?” If you are looking for people for a talk show I guess you are like a peeping tom who has stumbled onto a nudist camp for really wrinkly and smelly people. And pretty soon everybody starts to look wrinkly and smell smelly.

The article says that you need to respond to your talk show phone call by asking about the show. You say, “What kind of show are you planning?” This gives you a moment to recover from the shock of getting a phone call from Oprah’s producer. You immediately take the advantage by pretending you haven’t a clue who Oprah is. Presumably the producer is going to ask you an equally stupid question to recover from the shock of YOUR question.

Once that little introductory dance is over you can, according to the article, “gear your pitch to the type of information he’s seeking”. So now you know how the talk show heard of you, you can now fashion a string of lies to make yourself sound like you are an expert in your chosen field. This is where your people skills come to the fore. No question fazes you. There is no kind of dumb-ass answer that cannot be given with regal aplomb. To pull this kind of interpersonal scam is a real achievement.